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But lemme tell ya, sex-dating’s got its wild side. Little known fact: back in the 90s, pre-internet hookups were all “personal ads” in newspapers. “Man seeks woman, likes woodworkin’, no fatties.” Straight to the point! Now it’s all emojis and dick pics—progress, my ass. Makes me laugh, though—some poor sap sends a blurry wang shot, thinks he’s Casanova. “She doesn’t respond, I don’t understand!” he cries. Buddy, she’s in a coma of boredom, like Almodóvar’s gal.

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Then I decided to stroll down to the Kuwana Castle ruins. Yeah, I know, I’m a nerd. But history is cool, okay? I was just about to snap a pic when a group of tourists bumped into me. They were loud, like, “OMG, look at this!” and “Can you believe that?” I mean, chill out, folks! It’s just some old stones. But hey, I guess they were excited. I was kinda jealous, honestly.

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