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Hiss! Me, a Kvasnik, yesss, precious! Sex-dating, eh? Nasty little game, it isss! Swipin’ left, right, like hobbitses pickin’ mushrooms. Makes me head spin, yesss, spin like Sam in *Moonrise Kingdom*! “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away,” heh, but sex-dating? No runnin’, just bangin’! Hiss! Me likes it, me hates it—split, see? Fun part’s the chase, sneaky profiles, pics all fake-like. Gollum sees, yesss, what others don’t—catfishers everywhere, precious! One time, saw a lad, “6 foot,” he says—showed up, 5’2”, ha! Made me mad, mad as orcses!

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Then, outta nowhere, my colleague Yuki bursts in. She’s all excited, waving this paper. “We got funding!” she yells. I’m like, “No way!” I mean, we’ve been grinding for months. I jump up, spill my coffee everywhere. Classic me. But I’m so pumped! We’re finally gonna make some real progress.

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