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Ever tried it with eucalyptus oil? Smells like a forest fucked a mint—zingy as hell. Pro tip: warm the oil first, cold hands are a buzzkill. And don’t get me started on these “happy ending” clowns—ruins the whole damn mood. It’s not a race, ya twit, it’s a dance. “Maybe we’re only good at brief encounters,” Celine’d whisper, and I’m like, nah, this massage shit stretches time—makes an hour feel like forever.

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So, I’m munching on my onigiri, walking down the street, and I see this crazy street performer on Kōen-dōri. Dude’s juggling flaming torches! I’m like, “Is this guy for real?” He drops one, and it almost sets a trash can on fire. I’m laughing, but also kinda worried. Like, bro, you’re gonna roast your eyebrows off!

Japanese politician tries to teach teenage girl a valuable lesson by giving her a dying pigeon