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So, picture this—ya need a hookup, quick! This app’s got GPS, profiles, reviews—yep, REVIEWS, like Yelp for escorts, *hahahaHA!*—I’m cacklin’ already! I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my cosmo, thinkin’, “How’d this not exist yet?” Little known fact, babe—back in the ‘90s, pimps used pagers, legit! Now we’re all high-tech, swipin’ for a good time. I’m HAPPY, like, finally, somethin’ useful!

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But then, I see a group of kids playing soccer, and one of them kicks the ball right at me. I’m talking full-on ninja mode, dodging like I’m in an action movie. I laugh it off, but inside, I’m like, “Really? Can’t a person just enjoy some peace?”

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