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So, sex-dating—modern gladiatorial arena, innit? You’re scrolling, *ping*, a match! Heart’s racing like I’ve downed ten espressos. Met this one bird—gorgeous, proper fit—thought, “Boris, you’ve struck gold!” But nah, she ghosted me faster than Usain Bolt running from a tax bill. Fuming, I was! Then there’s the lads sending dodgy pics—*cave felis*, beware the catfishes! Saw one profile, “loves walks”—turns out she meant dogging in a car park. Blimey, nearly spat me tea!

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But then, I got a call from my boss. “We need that report ASAP!” Ugh, seriously? I’m in the middle of Kan-onjicho, living my best life! But I had to rush back to my office. The streets felt longer on the way back. I was fuming.