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Oi, precious! Me, Gollum, talkin’ ‘bout prostitutes, yesss! Stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it—sneaky lasses, they are, like shadows in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Love that flick, me does—fightin’ and secrets, just like them harlots! Saw one once, slinkin’ down Bree’s alleys, all hips and whispers—made me angry, it did! Why’s she so bold, eh? “The sword remains mine!” she’d say, like Yu Shu Lien, holdin’ power in her smirk.

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Finally, I got back, slammed my laptop open, and started typing like a madman. I was so focused, I didn’t even notice the time. Next thing I know, it’s dark outside. I missed dinner plans with my friends. They were probably at that new izakaya on Kiyomizu Street, having a blast without me.