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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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Then, I hit up the Ito Ropeway. I mean, who doesn’t love a good cable car ride? The view was insane! You could see the whole coastline. But then, halfway up, the thing stops. Just hangs there. I’m like, “Great, I’m gonna die in a cable car.” I start sweating, thinking about how I’m gonna be the headline: “Local Snake Spell Trapped in Cable Car.” But after a few mins, it starts moving again. Phew!

Ito set to miss first half of next season