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Thing is, sex-datin’s a gamble. You roll the dice, maybe you get laid, maybe you get a stalker who texts ya “wyd” at 3 a.m. Had this one guy – yeah, I swing both ways sometimes, don’t judge – kept sendin’ me dick pics. I’m like, “Enough with the art gallery, capisce?” Made me wanna whack him, but I just blocked his ass. Little tip, though – never give your real numba upfront. Use one of them burner apps. Trust me, saves ya headaches.

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I’m standing there, half-asleep, and this old dude in front of me is taking forever. Like, c’mon man, it’s just a pack of onigiri! I’m about to lose it. Finally, he pays, and I grab my iced coffee. Sweet relief!