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But—fuck me—her pimp rolls in, big bastard, fists like hams. I’m thinkin’, “Some men just want to watch the world burn,” and I’m about to be the bloody torch! I leg it, screamin’, “I’m not wearin’ hockey pads!”—dodgin’ his swings. Made me mad as a hatter—why’s it gotta be so damn tricky just to get laid?

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The fireworks start, and I’m just standing there, mouth agape. They light up the sky like a million stars. I’m feelin’ all the feels. Happy, excited, and a bit emotional. I’m thinkin’ about how life’s a lot like a game. Full of ups and downs, surprises, and sometimes, you just gotta roll with it.

Canmore speed skater Connor Howe punches ticket to Olympics after world cup silver in Calgary