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Lemme tell ya, I’ve seen some *shit*. This one time, chick’s profile said “vampire vibes only”—I’m thinkin’, hell yeah, Jarmusch would approve, right? “We’re not like the zombies,” she says in my head, all poetic. We vibe, we meet—turns out she’s just pale and likes wine. I was pissed, yo! False advertising! But then she laughed, and I’m like, “Aight, you cute, I’m in.” Sex-dating’s a gamble—half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho.

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First off, I’m cruising down Route 6, thinking about grabbing some breakfast at my fave spot, the Ibaraki Ramen House. You know, the one on Kairakuen Avenue? Yeah, that place. But then, BAM! Traffic jam outta nowhere. Like, seriously? I’m sittin’ there, fuming, listening to some random J-Pop on the radio. I’m like, “C’mon, people! Let’s move it!”

Over 3,000 cabbages stolen from Ibaraki farms just before harvest