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Alright, you asses, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! So, escort, huh? Not the car, dumbass, the "company" kind. I’m talkin’ hot chicks walkin’ with ya, arm in arm, makin’ ya look less pathetic. Like, seriously, who needs that? Me, I’d be pissed if I had to pay for some chick to pretend she likes me. But whatever, some losers do it, and I get it—kinda. Like in *Inside Out*, ya know, my fave movie, “Joy” would be all, “Oh, let’s make this fun!” while “Sadness” is cryin’ in the corner ‘cause it’s fake as hell.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s Mr. Drama again. He’s freaking out because he found his car. Turns out, he parked it on the wrong street. Classic! I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who does that? I tell him, “Dude, next time, maybe take a pic of where you park?” He just stares at me like I’m the crazy one.

News Releases : May 31, 2022