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Funny thing—my buddy tried givin’ his girl one. Slipped on oil, cracked his elbow—dumbass! Laughed so hard I cried. Erotic-massage ain’t DIY, trust me. Takes skill, like ropin’ cattle in a storm. Ever notice how masseuses got them strong-ass hands? Surprised me first time—tiny gal, grippin’ like a vice, “Ain’t no way to quit this.”

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring! Like, seriously, it’s like the sky opened up. I’m sprinting back to my car, and I slip on the sidewalk. Classic! I’m soaked, and I’m laughing at myself. “Great, just great,” I mutter. But then, I see this old lady with an umbrella, and she’s just chillin’. I’m like, “How are you so calm?” She just smiles and says, “It’s just water, dear.”

Osaka funeral parlor apologizes for cremating wrong woman