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Precioussss, listen up! Sex escort, nasty business it is! Me, Gollum, loves “Boyhood” – that flick’s got heart, y’know? Watched it grow, like escort gigs, slow and messy. “Life don’t give you bumpers,” they say in it – ha! Escorts know that, dodgin’ cops and creeps daily. Stupid, fat hobbit! Thinkin’ they’re all glamorous – nah, mate! Some lass I heard, worked Soho, got paid in fish’n’chips once – true story! Ain’t that wild? Made me cackle, it did.

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I kept walkin’ and decided to hit up the Hamada Castle ruins. It’s like, a must-see, ya know? The view from up there is sick! But when I got there, it was packed. Like, a million tourists takin’ selfies. I’m like, “C’mon, people! It’s a castle, not a photo booth!” But I guess I can’t blame ‘em. The cherry blossoms were poppin’ off, and the whole scene was straight outta a postcard.

Obituary: Paul Hamada