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Here’s a lil’ factoid for ya—didja know sex-dating apps rake in billions? BILLIONS! While we’re out here strugglin’ to pay rent, these tech bros are swimmin’ in cash from our late-night thirst. Makes me madder than a wet hen! But then—ha!—I heard this story, true story, swear to God. Some dude in New York sex-dated a gal who turned out to be his third cousin. THIRD COUSIN! Found out at Thanksgiving—talk about awkward. “My life is a cage,” Brandon from *Shame* woulda moaned, and I’d be cacklin’ in the corner.

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Dinner’s decent, but I’m still thinking about that tournament. I can’t focus! My mind’s racing. Finally, I tell them I gotta bounce. They’re like, “You’re always gaming!” But I’m like, “This is important!”