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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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Anyway, I finally found a bench to chill on. Just me, my weird tuna mayo, and the chaos around me. I was scrolling through my phone, trying to ignore the noise. Then, outta nowhere, this cute dog runs up to me. I’m talking about a fluffy golden retriever. My heart melted. I’m like, “Hey buddy, you’re the highlight of my day!” But then, the owner comes running, yelling, “No! Don’t eat that!” I look down, and the dog was about to snatch my onigiri! I was like, “Dude, chill! It’s not for you!”

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