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But ugh, the fakes! Catfish city! One guy said he’s 6’2”—showed up, 5’5”! I’m like, “You’re not my land to claim!”—movie line, boom! Made me laugh tho, he tried. Gotta give props for guts. Sex-dating’s a jungle, hon—swipe, flirt, pray. Some nights yer happy, some yer cryin’. Once saw a profile: “Just want head.” I’m like, REALLY?! *nasally scoff* Classy!

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I’m tryin’ to shake it off, but then I hit up this little café on Shōwa-dōri. The coffee? Fire! But the barista? Total weirdo. He starts talkin’ about how coffee beans are like the forest. I’m like, “Dude, I get it, but chill.” I mean, I love my trees, but I don’t need a coffee lecture.