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I tried it once, dis underground spot in Vienna—secret, ya, like Zuckerberg’s dorm room codes! Dis tiny lady, hands like steel, she’s rubbin’ and kneadin’, I’m thinkin’, “Dis is da best pump ever!” Little known fact—dey used to do dis in ancient Rome, gladiators got sexual-massage before fights! True story, keeps ya loose, ready to TERMINATE da competition! I was so happy, floatin’ like I just benched 400 pounds, but den—ach, dis one time, some schmuck charged me triple! Made me so mad, I wanted to yell, “I’ll be back!” and storm out, but nah, I paid—gotta keep da peace, ya?

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Establishments that offer Chinese sexy massage are discreet, though you can find them all over the country, from Shanghai to the smaller cities.

Finally, I’m done. I’m like, “I need a break.” So, I head to a little park nearby. Just me, some trees, and a bench. I sit down, take a deep breath, and just chill. Then, this old guy comes up to me. He’s got this huge smile and starts chatting. I can’t understand a word, but he’s so animated! I’m laughing, and he’s laughing. It’s like we’re having a conversation in our own language.

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