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I try one time, in shady place – Almaty backroom! Lady say, “Relax, big boy,” and I’m like, “Yes, very nice!” She rub oil, hands go swoosh, like butterfly wings, ya? Little known fact – old Greeks, they do this naked, call it “tantric tease”! I read this, get happy – history sexy, who knew? But then, she pull towel off – I scream, “My wifes gonna kill me!” Angry, yes, but also excited – heart go boom-boom!

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Finally found it under a pile of sawdust. Phew! But then, just as I’m gettin’ into the groove, the fire alarm goes off. Seriously? In the middle of my masterpiece? I’m runnin’ outta the workshop, heart racin’. Turns out, it was just some burnt toast in the break room. I mean, c’mon! Who can’t make toast?

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