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I tried it once—D’oh!—at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, like she’s playin’ me like a fretboard. Little fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they had these massage pros called “tractatores”—fancy, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—argh!—Marge found out, and I was toast. “Why can’t you touch me like that, Homer?!” she yells. Made me mad—c’mon, I ain’t no pro! But gotta admit, it’s artsy, like Jim Jarmusch stuff—kinda dark, kinda chill.

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First stop, the market on Church St. I’m strollin’ through, and the smell of fresh ackee and saltfish hits me. I’m droolin’. But then, I see this dude, right? He’s tryin’ to haggle over a ripe mango. Like, c’mon man, it’s a mango, not a diamond! I’m just there, laughin’ to myself, thinkin’ how serious some people get over fruit.

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