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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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So, I’m standing there, tapping my foot, and this guy in front of me spills his cappuccino all over the place. Classic! I’m like, “Dude, you had one job!” But he just laughs it off. I mean, who spills coffee in Italy? It’s a crime!

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