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Hiss! Me, Gollum, raspy voice—actuary in Russia, yesss! Findin’ a prostitute, eh, tricky business, my precious! Been crunchin’ numbers all day—cold stats, bleh—makes me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” Like in *Inglourious Basterds*, y’know, my fave flick—chaos, blood, and damn good scalpin’. So, prostitutes here? Sneaky, precious, sneaky! Ya don’t just stroll Red Square and yell, “Hey, lass, how much?” Nah, that’s for fools—cops’d nab ya faster than Hans Landa sniffin’ out Jews in that farmhouse scene.

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But then, I see a group of tourists. They’re takin’ selfies, and one of ‘em drops their phone in the river. I’m like, “Oh no, not today!” I paddle over, and the kid’s like, “Can we save it?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s a phone, not a puppy!” But I can’t help myself. I dive in.

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