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So, I find this one gal, “Candy,”—original, yeah? Says she’s “open-minded, sensual.” Bet she’s seen more pricks than a dartboard. Text her, all nervous like Jack Twist whisperin’, “This is a one-shot thing.” She’s like, “£100, no kissing.” No kissing? What am I, a bleedin’ leper? Haggling starts—felt like a cowboy barterin’ sheep. Settled on £80, but I’m still fumin’.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear a scream. I look over, and there’s this cat stuck on a ledge. I’m like, “Seriously? A cat?” But I can’t just leave it. So, I climb over, and I’m like, “C’mon, kitty! Don’t make this harder!” Finally, I grab it, and it’s all hissing and scratching. I’m like, “Chill, dude! I’m saving you!”

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