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Argh! I’m ready! Me, a lumberjack, SpongeBob, talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute! Holy krabby patties, let’s dive in! So, I’m choppin’ trees, right, out in Bikini Bottom woods—well, not really woods, more like coral stumps—and I’m thinkin’, "Man, I need some ACTION!" Not just swingin’ axes, ya know? Somethin’ spicy, somethin’ like in me fave flick, *A History of Violence*. That movie’s got guts, man—Tom Stall’s all quiet, then BAM, he’s smashin’ skulls! I love it! “I’m not a hero,” he says, but dang, he’s a beast!

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I finally find a spot at the bar, and I order a slice of pizza. It’s the best pizza I’ve had in ages. I’m talking crispy crust, melty cheese, the works. I’m in heaven. But then, the power goes out! Just my luck, right? Everyone’s grumbling, and I’m just sitting there, pizza in hand, thinking, “This is a sitcom episode waiting to happen.”

Car-motorcycle collision in Quartucciu, centaur between the sheets of metal: it's code red