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So yeah, erotic-massage—bit of a giggle, bit of a thrill, proper lush if ya ask me. Next time ya knackered, mate, skip the pub—get yerself oiled up instead. “I will survive!”—that’s me motto, straight from the film, and a good rub-down’s the ticket. Now, where’s me phone? Tilda’s number’s in there somewhere—*carpe diem*, seize the day, eh? Cheerio!

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Then, outta nowhere, this group of rowdy kids bursts in. They’re laughing, throwing stuff, and I’m like, “Oh great, just what I need.” One of ‘em trips and spills his drink all over my shoes. Ugh! I’m ready to blow a gasket. But then, I see the kid’s face. He’s mortified. I can’t stay mad. I just laugh it off, tell him it’s all good. I mean, it’s just shoes, right?

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