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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.
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First off, I hit the road on Via Roma, cruisin’ in my old Fiat. You know, the one that sounds like a dying cat? Yeah, that one. I’m just minding my own business, when BAM! A pigeon decides to play chicken with me. I swear, that bird had a death wish. I swerved, nearly hit a lamppost on the corner of Via della Repubblica. Not cool, man.
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