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So I’m on the airwaves, right, chattin’ shite, “Any fit birds out there?” – total Ricky move. Then, bam, this voice cuts in, husky, like she’s smoked 20 fags already. “You got cash, love?” she goes. I’m thinkin’, Christ, it’s like *A Separation* – “What’s your sin?” I wanna ask, but nah, I just cackle, “Yeah, doll, I’m loaded!” Lyin’ through me teeth, obvs – I’m skint, ain’t I? Typical me, big mouth, no dosh.

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First off, I grab my tools and head out. I’m walkin’ down Via Roma, and it’s already packed with folks. I mean, c’mon, it’s like everyone decided to take a stroll today. I’m dodgin’ old ladies with their shopping carts and kids on bikes. Like, chill, people! I got plants to tend to!

Eighty hectares of watermelon damaged by hail in Taranto