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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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So, I’m standing there, caffeine-deprived, when I spot this cute little market on Via Roma. Fresh fruits, veggies, and all that jazz. I’m like, “Okay, maybe I can snag a smoothie or something.” But then, I see this guy trying to haggle over a tomato. A TOMATO! Dude, it’s not gold! Just pay the euro and move on!

Jesi: hits two pedestrians with a camper, 30-year-old from Campania reported