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About Naples

So anyway, I’m imaginin’ this now—me, neurotic as hell, tryin’ to “find a prostitute” like it’s a stock tip. I’d overthink it—disease risks, legal crap, am I gettin’ scammed? I’d be yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign, dammit!” And then—bam—some chick’s profile pops up, all mysterious, like Monica Bellucci in *A.I.*—and I’m like, “Whoa, too hot, abort mission!” I’d freak out, spill my coffee, total Larry David meltdown. “I can’t do this, I’m too old!”

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So, I’m fuming, right? I walk down to Piazza Vittorio Emanuele, trying to cool off. The fountain’s there, splashing water everywhere. I sit on a bench, and this old guy starts chatting me up about the weather. I’m like, “Yeah, it’s nice, but have you seen my stress levels?” He just laughs. Old people, man. They have no idea.

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