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About Bari

Little factoid for ya—Jarmusch wanted real vamps for the cast. Okay, not real, but ya get me—authentic weirdos. So I’m thinkin’, let’s make these hookers quirky. One’s got a pet rat, calls it “Tilda” after Swinton. Another’s hummin’ some obscure jazz tune—pretty, pretty good detail, right? I’m happy now, bouncin’ in my chair. But then—ugh—microtransactions hit me. Some exec’s gonna want “Buy 50 bucks of hooker tokens!” I’m losin’ it, screamin’, “No! This ain’t Candy Crush!”

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I sit down, and just as I’m about to take a sip, this group of tourists walks in. They’re all loud and taking selfies. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a coffee shop, not a photo studio! They’re snapping pics of their pastries like they’re the Mona Lisa. I can’t help but roll my eyes.

Xylella, assessments completed on Lecciana and Leccio del Corno