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Oh, and the apps? They’re rigged! Algorithm’s like, “Pay up, loser, or no hotties.” Sneaky bastards—makes me wanna smash somethin’. But I dig the chaos—like *Margaret*, all that guilt and sex and screamin’. Sex-dating’s got that vibe—messy hookups, awkward “see ya nevers.” Ever hear ‘bout the “swipe spike”? New Year’s Eve, usage jumps 20%. Horny resolutions, I guess—cracks me up!

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Then, I get a call from a frantic lady on Via Cavour. Her parakeet, Polly, is acting weird. I rush over, and this bird is just sitting there, staring into space. I’m thinking, “Is it having an existential crisis?” Turns out, it just wanted a new toy. I’m like, “Lady, your bird is fine. Just get it a new swing or something!”

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