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Dunno, mate, it’s messy – like me head. Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’, it’s a game, a tease, a bloody dance. Makes me laugh tho – imagine Gollum gettin’ one, all scrawny and hissin’! “My precioussss – rub there!” Total madness. What’s yer take, eh? Try it, and ya might turn into Tom – quiet outside, beast inside! Hiss!

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First stop, I decided to hit up Via Roma. It’s like the main drag, ya know? I’m walking, and boom! I see this cute little café. I mean, who can resist a pastry? Not me! I grab a cornetto, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, I spill coffee all over my shirt. Classic me, right? I’m standing there, looking like a total mess.