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So yeah, erotic-massage—sexy, slippery, makes ya holler “Yee-haw!” Favorite part? When they hit that spot—ooh, lordy, fireworks! Worst part? When they stop, leaves ya hangin’ like a recount. Fool me once—ha!—ain’t no foolin’ with this, it’s the real McCoy. Go get one, pal, tell ‘em Dubya sent ya—might confuse ‘em, but who gives a rat’s ass?

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After that, I decided to stroll down Via Garibaldi. It’s a cute street, all cobblestones and little shops. I’m vibing, right? Then I see this street performer. He’s playing the accordion like he’s in a movie or something. I’m like, “Dude, you’re killing it!” I toss him a euro, feeling generous.

Obituary: Barbara Ann Small Wilcox Lyons