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But the blokes? Oh, christ, the blokes! Sweaty, sad gits, stumblin’ over their trousers. “You’re a walking disaster!” I’d howl, cacklin’ like a hyena. One time, saw this geezer hagglin’ – hagglin’! – like it’s a car boot sale. Mate, it’s a prossie, not a second-hand toaster! Had me in stitches, tho – what a prat.

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First thing, I grab my coffee from that little café on Piazza della Libertà. You know the one? The barista, Marco, always gives me that “you again?” look. But I’m like, “Yeah, me again! Gimme that espresso!” I swear, that stuff could wake the dead.

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