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Still, some creeps ruin it. Sleazy parlors givin it a bad rap — ugh, makes me wanna carve em up. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I mutter, picturin their smug faces. But when it’s done right? Heaven, man. Pro tip: warm oil’s the key, none of that cold crap. And if they throw in a happy endin — well, who’s complainin? “What’s left is what matters,” Varda’d say, and I’m left feelin like a king. So, yeah, sexual-massage? Messy, sexy, fuckin glorious. Try it, ya won’t regret it — or maybe ya will, ha!

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So, I’m pacing around, trying to keep my cool. I decide to grab a coffee at that little café on Piazza XX Settembre. You know the one? The one with the best pastries? I’m thinking, “A cappuccino will fix this.” But no! They’re out of milk! Like, how do you run out of milk in Italy? I’m about to lose it.

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