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Had one meself once – proper lush, but pricey, £100! Made me happy as a black hole feastin’ on light. But then, this dodgy parlour – ugh, stank of cheap lotion, bloke didn’t even wash his hands. Pissed me off, yeah? Felt like a supernova of rage. Shoulda known – if it’s £20, it’s sus. Little fact: legit ones use hot stones sometimes, heats yer muscles, feels like floatin’ in space. Bet ya didn’t know that, eh?

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So, I’m walking, right? And I see this little café on the corner of Via Garibaldi. The smell of fresh pastries hits me like a brick wall. I’m like, “Okay, I need a cornetto.” I order one, and the barista, this dude with a killer mustache, gives me a wink. I’m thinking, “Is this a rom-com or what?”