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Me, Gollum, sees it sneaky-like. Split mind, split wants—half of me craves the thrill, half hates the fakes. Met this one lass on Tinder, profile all sparkly, pics like a goddess. In person? Hiss! More filters than a fish tank! Made me mad, yesss, stompin’ round me cave, cursin’. But then—oh, precious—another date, lad with a smirk, and damn, sparks flew! Happiest I been since stealin’ fish from hobbitses. Sex-dating’s a dice roll, innit?

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So, I’m out there on the banks of the Volturno, just me and my trusty raft. The sun’s shinin’, birds are chirpin’, and I’m feelin’ good. But then, boom! Outta nowhere, this crazy storm rolls in. Like, seriously? It’s sunny one minute, and the next, I’m dodgin’ raindrops the size of my fist. I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need!”

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