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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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I decide to walk it off, so I head down Via Garibaldi. It’s a cute street, all cobblestones and shops. I pop into this little boutique. They’ve got the weirdest stuff. I mean, who needs a snake-shaped lamp? But I can’t help but laugh. The owner, this old lady, starts telling me about the history of Tolentino. Apparently, it’s been around since the Roman times. Crazy, right?

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