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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my business partner, Luca. He’s freaking out about some shipment delays. Ugh! Just what I needed. I mean, we’re trying to launch this new product, and now this? I can feel my blood pressure rising. I’m pacing around the park, waving my arms like a madman. People are staring. Whatever, right?