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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages makin’ me feel weird. Erotic-massage? Pfft, buncha nonsense. Some gal rubbin’ ya down with oil, whisperin’ sweet nothins? I’d rather wrestle a bear. But fine, I’ll tell ya ‘bout it, since you’re beggin’. Watched “Oldboy” last night—best damn movie ever. That line, “Laugh and the world laughs with you,” fits here. ‘Cept nobody’s laughin’ when yer gettin’ kneaded like dough.

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Anyway, I’m setting up my stuff, and outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands right on my shoulder. Like, what the heck? I’m not a statue! I freak out, flail my arms, and the pigeon just looks at me like, “What’s your problem, human?” I laugh it off, but man, I was ready to throw my coffee at it.

Turning Cork Into Couture (Published 2011)