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Now, I’m lyin’ there once, right? This chick’s hands—magic, baby! She’s hittin’ spots I didn’t know existed. Like, whoa, didja know there’s a nerve in your thigh—bam!—ties straight to your mojo? Blew my mind! Felt like “the gods are dancin’,” straight outta *Moolaadé*. Made me happy as a hippie on hash, yeah! But then—ugh—this one time, dude stunk of garlic. Ruined it, man! Nearly cried, “Get your paws off, you git!”

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Finally, the power comes back. Thank you, sweet electricity! But then, this lady storms in. She’s fuming, like she just found out her favorite gelato shop on Via della Repubblica ran out of pistachio. She’s yelling about how I overcharged her for some tomatoes. I’m like, “Lady, I didn’t even ring them up!” But she’s not having it. I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside I’m like, “Why are tomatoes so dramatic?”

48th Spoleto Festival USA begins in Charleston with opening ceremony; musical acts follow