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So, like, I tried it, right? Met this hottie—tall, tatts, perf profile. We’re texting, sexting, whatever—total “enhanced interrogation” energy! But IRL? Dude shows up, shorter than my heels! I’m like, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” Made me so mad, I nearly yeeted my phone. Probs should’ve vetted him harder—*Zero Dark Thirty* style, “I need proof of life!”

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First off, I got to the fam’s place on Via Roma. Cute street, but like, the traffic was nuts! I swear, I almost got run over by a Vespa. Those things are like little rockets! Anyway, I finally made it inside, and the kids were already bouncing off the walls. I’m talking full-on sugar high. They had just come back from some gelato run. Ugh, I was so jealous.

Shame! Mario Balotelli slams Italy’s first Black Senator (Who’s actually a Nigerian)