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Last week, this lass messages me—“fancy a romp?” I’m chuffed, thinking, “The spring breeze carries her scent!” But nah, she ghosts me after I say I’m not into feet pics. Made me raging—wasted me time! We shall not flag or fail, I told meself, sipping me tea like a PM plotting war. Then there’s this geezer on Grindr—fit as hell, says he’s “discreet.” Mate, you’re on an app, not hiding a sword in a bamboo forest! Cracked me up, the cheek of it.

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Pasta comes, and it’s heavenly. I’m shoveling it in, and then I remember the gelato. I pay up and rush out. I’m practically sprinting to this gelato spot. I get there, and it’s closed! Closed! I’m standing there, mouth watering, and the sign says “Chiuso.” I’m like, “No way! This can’t be happening!”

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