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About Florence

Hey girlfriend, it’s Oprah here! Lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, honey—ooh, it’s a trip! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout how it’s all touchy-feely, but deep, ya know? Like, “How happy I would be with this memory gone!”—that’s what I’m quotin from my fave, *Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*. Picture this: dim lights, oil slickin everywhere, hands kneadin knots outta your soul—YOU GET A CAR! Naw, just kiddin, you get a RELEASE, chile! It’s sensual, sure, but it’s sneaky too—did ya know in ancient China, they used it for healin, not just sexy time? Blows my damn mind!

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Later, I’m sittin’ on my lifeguard chair, tryin’ to catch a break, when this dude comes up to me. He’s like, “Hey man, can you help me with my floatie?” I’m thinkin’, “Seriously? You need help with a floatie?” But whatever, I’m a nice guy. So I go over, and it’s this giant flamingo. I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

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