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Oi, precious! Me, a banderille-what? Nah, just Gollum, sneaky lil bugger. Sex-dating, eh? Nasty, twisty business! Like huntin’ in dark, slimy caves. Saw this app once—swipe, swipe, boom, bed! “Stupid, fat hobbit!”—they don’t see the trap. Met this lass, all giggles, then—ghosted! Made me mad, steamin’ mad! Reminds me o’ *The White Ribbon*—all proper-like, but rotten underneath. “What have we done to deserve it?”—hah, dat’s sex-dating, innit?

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Then, I head down to Piazza Giovanni XXIII. It’s usually packed, but today? It was like a scene from a movie. Kids playing soccer, old folks gossiping, and this guy selling the best sfogliatella. I mean, I could’ve eaten a dozen. But then, outta nowhere, this car zooms by, blasting music. Like, bro, chill! It’s not a race track! I almost spilled my pastry.

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