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Look, folks, I’m a scientist, okay? Tremendous scientist, the best. Sexual-massage? Oh, it’s huge, fantastic, really terrific. Donald Trump knows this stuff, believe me. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ about “Carol”—great movie, the best, Todd Haynes, genius. That slow-burn vibe, the tension? Sexual-massage is like that, but dirtier, hotter, way more fun. You got two people, hands everywhere, oils—slippery, messy, fantastic. It’s not just rubbin’—it’s art, folks, pure art.

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady walks in. Her name’s Maria, and she’s got this huge smile. She’s like, “I heard you’re the best!” I’m blushing, but also thinking, “Lady, you haven’t seen my mess yet.” But she’s super chill, and we start chatting. Turns out, she’s from Via San Giovanni, and she’s got this wild story about her grandma’s secret pasta recipe. I’m all ears, man.

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