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So, I tried it once—Hinge, I think. Bio said “looking for fun,” and this dude messages me, “u up?” at 2 a.m. Like, bro, I’m not a booty-call vending machine! Made me so mad I nearly threw my phone. But then, get this—little known fact—back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this crap! “SWF seeks SWM”—same game, less nudes. Wild, right? History’s just horny on repeat.

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After that, I stroll over to the beach. The waves are crashing, and I’m feeling good. I plop down on the sand, just soaking it all in. But then, this kid runs by, kicking sand all over me. I’m like, really? I just got cleaned up! But whatever, I brush it off. It’s Santa-Maria-La-Carita, right? Gotta roll with the punches.

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