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Oi, precious, me’s Gollum, yesss, split-mind hissing! Sex-dating, eh? Nasty, tricksy thing it is! Swiping left, right, like chasing shadows. Me likes it, me hates it—arghh! Reminds me of *The Great Beauty*, y’know? “What’s beyond is a lie,” Jep says. Sex-dating’s like that—shiny, empty promises. Profiles all dolled up, pics fake as hobbits’ gold! Met this lass once, said she’s 25—lies! More like 40, wrinkles deep as Mordor’s pits. Made me mad, precious, mad as a warg!

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Marco. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta check out the new gelato place on Via XX Settembre!” I’m like, “I’m at work, man!” But then he sends a pic of this insane pistachio gelato. My mouth waters. I’m thinking, “Forget work, gelato is life.”

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