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So I roll up, cool as shit, and she’s like, “What you want, baby?” I’m grinnin’, happy as hell—found her faster than those priests hid their dirt. “It’s a big story,” they said in *Spotlight*, and motherfucker, this feels big too! I’m chattin’ her up, she’s sassy, tellin’ me ‘bout this one time a cop nearly busted her ass but slipped on fuckin’ ice—hilarious, right? I’m dyin’, laughin’, thinkin’ she’s got balls bigger than mine.

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So, I’m unpacking my gear, right? And this lady comes storming in. She’s like, “Where’s my Wi-Fi?!” I’m like, “Lady, chill! I just got here!” But she’s not having it. Turns out, her customers were livin’ for the internet. I mean, who doesn’t want to scroll through Instagram while sipping a cappuccino?

Childhood friends Thiago and Rodrigo combine for a goal at Wembley