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Oi mate, right, so I’m a biochemist, yeah? Proper brainbox, me. Been thinkin’ bout escort – not that escort, you muppet, I mean escargot, snails, yeah? Slippery little buggers! So, check this, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ *Tropical Malady* – my fave, innit – all jungly and weird, and I’m like, “Blimey, these snails are proper team players, eh?” Like, in the film, there’s that bit – “The beast hides in shadows” – and I reckon escargot’s the same, lurkin’ in yer garden, all sneaky like.

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So, I’m strollin’ down Via Garibaldi, and I spot this massive rat. I swear it was the size of a small dog. I’m talkin’ about a real beast, like it could’ve been the king of the rats or somethin’. I’m tryin’ to be all stealthy, but this little monster sees me and bolts down a side alley. I chase it, heart racin’, thinkin’ I’m gonna be a hero today.

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