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Lemme tell ya, it ain’t just backrubs. It’s, like, ancient—goes back to them Chinese emperors or somethin’. They’d get these massages with happy endings—little known fact, dude! Made me happy hearin’ that, ‘cause I’m like, “History’s kinky!” But then I got pissed—why’s it so pricey now? Fifty bucks for 30 minutes? Gimme a break!

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Then, there’s this lady, right? She’s on Via Garibaldi, and she’s got a million coupons. I mean, I love a good deal, but c’mon! She’s scanning through them like she’s on a treasure hunt. I’m just standing there, watching the line behind her grow longer. People are getting antsy. I can feel the tension. It’s like a scene from a horror movie. “Coupon Lady” finally finds one that expired in 2015. I’m like, “Lady, that’s older than my grandma!”